There was a point in my life, not long ago at all where I lost myself. Sadness filled my heart. Insecurities ruled my life. Negativity crushed my soul. Self doubt destroyed the only relationship I ever truly cared for in that time. At 23 cancer blossomed in my body so gentle and quiet like a flower in the spring. Yet that wasn’t what was truly killing me inside. It almost seemed poetic in a way. I died when the love of my life left so I think I took comfort in the fact that I couldn’t die twice. The comfort in death was an unknown variable to something so much more. On a summer evening I ended up on a hillside alone and stared at the horizon in silence for a minute. Nothing crossed my mind..I just looked. There was no sound. It was as if the world had gone mute for a moment. There was a breeze and as I closed my eyes it brushed my skin just slightly. I felt an unexplainable energy flowing through my body. It was as if I could feel everything all at once. Every emotion, all the pain, fear, love, happiness, sadness, excitement. And it was as if I could feel nothing at all. Tears rolled down my face as I felt everything in my chest, flooding my heart. It was as if the universe was talking to me. Saying “it’s ok, let it go” and for the first time in my life I listened. I put my complete trust in the universe and just broke down. I was at my most weak and vulnerable. It felt like a tornado of emotions was taking every part of me that I worked so hard to build. Every part of me that I once knew was being broken, ripped, destroyed. I felt it all in my chest…the self hate, insecurities, fear, doubt, unappreciative feelings, every harsh word that left the tip of my tongue to describe myself..all of it. When it all stopped a half smile formed on my face and the first thought to cross my mind….“I am fucking amazing, I am worth it” and alone I laughed with confusion. It was one of the strangest experiences but a great one that I am thankful for because in that moment I found that part of myself that got lost in the process of death, that part of myself that people knew and recognized. I will never be perfect, I’m only human but there is so much that I will be…so much more that I am. I have a new love and respect for myself. I can say good things about myself like the fact that I’m funny, down to earth, super gay of course, strong, courageous, caring, soooooooo loving, giving, honest, kind, humble, good listener, great friend, sibling, daughter and an even better girlfriend with a huge heart. After that storm of emotions I found myself. I’m here to stay, I’m here to live, I’m here for you, I’m here for me, I’m here for love, I’m here for life.
I usually dont post stuff like this but a couple days ago I stopped for a moment and looked around me when, all of a sudden everything just hit me….I was supposed to study astronomy lol how the fuck did I end up in the entertainment business? I will never know, but I’m enjoying the ride. I’ve met incredible people along the way, I’ve been beyond blessed and I’m bringing up everyone that’s been there for me. So excited, there’s so much more to come…
I want a relationship where we can get drunk at midnight, just the two of us, and sit up talking and making out all night, and go to the beach at four in the morning. I want someone who’s down for adventure. I want someone who will go camping with me, and boating, and fishing, and travel. I want someone who wants me for life. I want passion that doesn’t burn out.
I hate when I meet someone for the first time and get all shy and awkward, like no this is not me I swear, just wait
me AF
me eating something straight out the oven: bitch??? this shit is hot as fuck?? what in the hell omg
is it just me or when I really really really like someone, I don’t pay attention to anyone else like idk no one is as perfect and I don’t wanna flirt with somebody that isn’t them
I once dated a girl who made fun of me because I couldn’t cook, so I took it upon myself to learn to make a decent grilled cheese for her. You know keeping it simple. I practiced for days. Tried different bread types and cheese combos. Had friends taste test so she could have only the best. Timed it to golden brown perfection. And when I felt it was finally perfect to share with her, felt like she would really like it…you wouldn’t believe that she dumped my ass and never got to try it. So now I sit here with killer grilled cheese skills and no one to share them with. This isn’t a sad story tho, if anything I’m glad that happened. Now I look forward to someday make a grilled cheese for my future girl. A girl that gets me at my best and is absolutely worth it, but until then…I’m chillin.
